Earned not Given

When I was younger and hot-tempered, I’d talk back to my parents or raise my voice when angry with teachers etc. The fault would always be mine though, as the traditional Chinese believes that the younger generation must respect their elders. So regardless of how I tried to justify my actions – they fell on deaf ears. Perhaps you have also been told off for being rude to elders or being disrespectful. Perhaps you’ve also lost your cool and got irritated by nagging or arguments or trivial matters. Once we start retorting or making our dissatisfaction known, it is always frowned upon and classified as having no respect, being rude.

Notice earlier I mentioned being rude and being disrespectful? They are oft used interchangeably by the older generation, especially when trying to correct us or to lecture us. They are very different if we look at it closely and that is also why I’m writing this piece.

So, what is the baseline? I should be polite to everyone, that is basic courtesy. I use “please” and “thank you” when ordering food at a café. I hold the door so that the person behind me carrying many shopping bags can get past. I reply “I’m sorry I don’t know” when asked for directions. I step out of the way so people can get out of the subway. I use “excuse me” when trying to get past someone. I answer the phone with “Good morning”. People should be polite to everyone – it doesn’t matter who is serving you or who you are assisting. Are there times that you don’t have to be polite? People lose their cool when in stressful environments, but even in such circumstances it is important to remain polite. You can express your displeasure in a polite manner (though it’s always harder to do) and still get your point across. Let’s say you’re rushing for time, and the cashier at Starbucks is taking a long time to attend to you even though there isn’t any other customer. If you’re rude, you would get upset and start shouting – displaying your own lack of class, lack of patience and downright distasteful demeanor. A polite gentlemen/lady would probably raise their voice just sufficient to be heard over the ruckus, and bring to the staff’s attention that they were waiting for service. They might add, “Sorry, I’m in a little bit of a hurry! Would you be able to take my order please!” and once someone has paid attention to them, “Thank you! I really appreciate it!”. Yes, perhaps that is an exaggeration – but in some cities, and for some people that is the norm. That is how we should behave.

“Isn’t that the same as respecting the service staff?”, you might be wondering. You aren’t wrong. The politeness is outwardly action that is a by-product of the respect that you have for person behind the counter. Still it doesn’t mean that you can cast aside politeness if it is someone you don’t respect. Let’s look at another example, say you saw the cashier being very rude to their colleagues, you’re disgusted and you’ve lost respect for the guy. Some people would have given the cashier foul language and a disgusting attitude just to give the guy a hard time. A polite person, would have continued engaging in as polite a manner as possible and maybe later bring the issue to the attention of the floor manager. Losing respect for a person doesn’t mean that you can be rude to them.

I’m pretty sure you’ve heard the phrase “Respect is earned”, but there are more levels to it than meets the eye. “Basic Respect” should be afforded to everyone, regardless of skin color, nationality, family status or age. Even more than just human beings, we need to learn to respect mother nature, cultures, personal space etc. This basic respect will be demonstrated through your actions, the way you treat people, the way you handle yourself. The next level of respect is “Individual Respect” the one that needs to be earned. Individual respect isn’t given just because you’re my elder, it isn’t given just because you’re in a higher position than me so I hate it when people just shoot off their mouth and demand respect just because you’re older or more senior.

You’ll get the basic respect you deserve, but if your actions and attitudes do not show that you deserve more respect then you will not be given it. Even if you do something that causes me to lose respect for you, I will still give you the basic respect as a human being, I can still be polite to you to a certain extent. However, do not confuse seniority with compulsory respect.

At the end of the day, respect for an individual and politeness should not be confused. One is an attitude while one is a outwardly series of actions. I can be polite even if you do not have my respect, or I may be rude to you by accident even if I respect you. One thing is for sure, let us learn to be polite to all and to respect those who have deserved our respect.