Don't Listen to Speak

Maybe you don't realize it until you get hit. Maybe you don't understand the pain until you have to deal with it. Perhaps I've taken it for granted, that people should know the difference between listening and speaking- that you can't actually do one if you're doing the other. That brings me to today's blog post. Listening skills have always been an important part of communication. Even in the stone ages, when people didn't actually have words or a language to rely on, they relied on listening to sounds the person was making (coupled with hand gestures). Throughout the centuries, listening played a huge part in avoiding conflict, just as much as a failure to really listen has led to countless fights, wars, and failed relationships. The funny thing about listening is that many people think they're doing just that, without realizing that they really aren't. I think the crux comes down to why are you listening. Are you listening to formulate counter-arguments? Are you listening to criticize? Are you listening to offer words of comfort? Or are you really listening because you want to listen and understand? I'm not perfect, many a time I've listened with the intent of critique or giving advice, but there needs to be a lot more heart that goes into listening before it actually has a meaning. Some people are natural listeners, some are trained to be, some are clueless and some are in self-denial. We all need a listening ear from time to time, who do you always turn to when you have problems? Usually, this person will be the one whom you trust to listen to you, it may not be the closest friend but just someone that is willing to listen. You go to them because they want to listen - which makes sense, who wants to share things with someone who is only going to blame you, find fault with everything, pretend they know every solution etc. 

Can listening skills be taught? Yes, definitely. We learn from mistakes in this area. We learn that listening carefully allows us to better grasp what a person is really saying.

We'll come back to this later, let's move on to speaking.

Everyone is familiar with how there are good speakers and then there are really good speakers. I won't need to go further on the skills of a good speaker, but let us consider speaking in the context of a common guy on the street and not a renown speaker. Being able to express your thoughts and ideas is a skill that is really important. Some people may have great ideas and the wheels in their minds spin incessantly, but when it comes to sharing those ideas or clearly painting a picture for others, they stumble over their words. There are some people that speak really fast, going off faster than their brain can catch up, and they're left filling in their sentences with many "ems" and "ahs". The art of talking isn't about using big words, industry jargon or your expertise to intellectually show your dominance. The art of speaking is really about making yourself easily understood. Can you imagine our well-known CEOs and speakers like Steve Jobs throwing lots of jargon about Apple products that you haven't even heard about? Can you picture sitting in for a TED talk and coming out without understanding what the speaker was trying to convey? Well, sure those guys are trained and they are gifted, but even on a day to day basis, we all need to recognize that it is about being clear not confusing.

Then there is also a deeper level understanding of when to talk that is important. As mentioned earlier, you really can't listen and talk at the same time, so those who recognize that will know they have to choose between talking first and listening first. Leaders/managers are often the groups that struggle to make the right call in this aspect. Those who really don't have any say in things are usually just listening, so they don't need to actually choose between both. Those who are placed in positions of responsibility/leadership have to exercise their wisdom in this matter on a daily/weekly cycle. A simple litmus test would be to see how a person chairs a meeting. Does the manager talk without listening? Does the manager talk more than listen? These are all tell-tale signs of a good leader. 

Here I'm going to summarize with a scale to show that there exist many many types of people. It would be impossible to cover it all. So I'm just going to highlight a few main categories, you might feel you belong to one of these groups or perhaps you might recognize some of these groups of people. 

A: These are the gifted at presenting, speaking and are really adept at giving speeches - clear, concise and charismatic. Few and far between.

B: Pretty alright in terms of expressing themselves, somewhat above average. However, they possess a rare quality of being really good listeners and are really precious friends. They could also be counselors and advisors. Not a lot of people fall into this group.

C: The average Joe. This biggest group consists of everyone who has average skills in both speaking and listening. They can be anyone sitting around in your office. Perhaps even your superiors because not everyone who is in a position of power has managed to get there because of their skills. Some of this group will have poorer listening skills but that's alright, we'll give them the benefit of doubt and leave them together in this group.

D: These are the sly ones. The ones who are considerably good with language, speech, and presentations. Yet they are really lacking in listening skills - they may be too eager to talk and don't know how to listen. Many of us struggle with this group the most as they can be very annoying. They use their speech to lord over others and insist that they are right, or they just don't want to listen to you. Put simply, these are the ones that will achieve certain success but have issues with friendships/relationships.

E: These are the people that stumble through communication and make a mess of everything. They don't really listen well and they don't know how to express ideas clearly. They barge through with what they assume is right, often leaving behind more work to be cleared than there originally was. 

So that sums up the chart. My biggest takeaway is that some people really don’t have any idea where they stand, and I should try to exercise a little more patience.

At the end of the day though, it doesn't mean that a person will be stuck at the same point forever. Both speaking and listening skills are fluid and can be improved through self-awareness, reflection, and practice. Where are you today? Which type do you want to be?